Life and Times of a Mommy(:

A Day in My Mind

on March 24, 2013

So in my about me section I said that I was diagnosed with depression during my junior year of high school, which was in 2008, but I didn’t really elaborate anymore than that. Well. Now I am.

I feel like I should explain a little of what happened before I was diagnosed:

My parents had divorced in February of my freshmen year, which was in 2006. During their fighting and problems and finally the divorce, I would stress out to the point where I would literally be throwing up. It was to the point that my dad took me to the doctor. Once my doctor explained what was going on it was easier to control. After the divorce my mom married a crap guy, which increased the stress (no more throwing up though) and caused more fighting. To the point that I was pushed down a hallway and, as a result had a busted vein on the front side of my arm and a scar near my elbow. Luckily that was all that happened during that fight and the arguments that occurred after.

After about eight months, my mom found out what a crap guy my step dad was and moved us to Little Rock, Arkansas where a lot of my family lived. I fell in with the wrong crowd while there and almost flushed my dreams down the drain. Thankfully, after everything, my dad realized if he didn’t step in, things would just get worse and worse. So he moved me back to the town I grew up in.

Here’s where the depression really starts to show:

My dad is a loud person. Plain and simple. He talks loud, he laughs loud, he commands attention loudly, he even works in a loud place. (He’s a diesel mechanic, hence the loudness.) But when I started crying just because he raised his voice a mere octave above his norm, he and my step mom thought something was wrong. At first the thought it was just because it was that time of the month. But when it was happening two and three weeks before and after, something just wasn’t adding up. The final straw was when I was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor with my laundry basket balling my eyes out before school just because I couldn’t find the shirt I wanted to wear to work that night. Some days, if I wasn’t crying, I was yelling at everyone and getting royally pissed off at everything that moved. When I explained what was going on to my doctor, she put me on an anti-depressant called Lexipro. It was later changed to Zoloft due to being pregnant with my first child.*

I no longer take medicine for my anxiety and depression. It’s rough sometimes. and I have my good days and bad days. Sometimes, I still break down crying because I can’t find what I need or because I just can’t handle being yelled at. Most days are okay. Many times, though, I find myself struggling to keep a level head and not scream and yell at everything. Recently, a therapist told me that the screaming and yelling is how young adults express the feelings. Which makes a lot of sense, as most days I will start screaming and be mad at the world for hours, just to turn around and start crying because I feel bad for yelling.

But I’m getting a little off track. The point of this post, like most people who have depression and write about it, is to let those people who are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do that it’s okay. You aren’t alone. There is someone going through close to or, sometimes, the exact same thing that you are. If you need help please reach out and ask someone. Yes. It’s very hard to ask, sometimes I even have trouble talking to my dad, step mom, and my husband about what’s going on. But there is someone who can help. Trust me. Just ask. And know that everything is going to be okay.

So. If some melancholy or sad or not up beat and happy posts pop up on here, I’m having a bad day. Everything will work out but I’m having a day. I thank you in advance for your understanding and support.


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