TheLifeandTimesofaMom

Life and Times of a Mommy(:

Hey Momma,

We sure did have a rough go of it, didn’t we? When I tell people that, I’m sure they thing we had the normal mother/teenage daughter relationship. Boy, where they wrong!! No offense, but you kinda lost your mind when you turned 40. It started a little before then, but man, at 40, it got bad. I don’t know if you were trying to rebel again, or what, but woman, you was cah-ray-zeee!!!!!

And when we stopped talking for those 6 months, it was rough. But you needed some tough love. To be honest, the only reason I fixed things was because I didn’t want things to be awkward at Memaw’s during Kase’s baby shower. I never told her we stopped talking. I didn’t want to upset her. She hoped you would come to your senses one day. I think you did a little bit after that.

You know, the toughest part about this, is I can’t call you and say “hey mom guess who I talked to” or “guess who/what I saw!” I especially can’t tell you all the family gossip and who all came to see you. That really sucks. On the plus side though, I got to be you for a change. I got to have some great bonding time with Robin and Amanda on Easter. I got to talk and gossip like an adult! Without having to talk over you.

Mommy, you know I love you. You know I would never do anything to hurt you. When I stopped talking to you, that was for the both of us. So I could learn to be an adult and so could you. When I moved back home with Dad, that was so I could do all the things that you told me I could do all the things you told me I could. Not to abandon you. So when I write these next words, I hope you can understand my reasoning behind it. I hope you will support my decision. It’s for the best, please know that.

In a few months, when everyone is ready, I will go to your mother’s and get what I want of yours. But after that, I will no longer see or speak to your mother or Todd. The only thing keeping me tied to her, Todd, and his family was you. I know she’s had a rough life, but you and I both know she hasn’t liked me for about 9 years now. And I really hope you saw how she treated me while I was there last week. I have never been anything but nice to that woman. She will no longer be part of my family. My children will not know her. Please understand why I’m doing this momma.

I’m really glad I got to talk to you and hear your voice one last time. Mommy, I love you and I miss you. I can’t believe your gone. But I know you were ready. Say hi to everyone for me. Be with me, always.

Love,

Your Baby Girl

 

P.S. For a little more info on whats going on, go here.

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 Be sure to check out everything else that’s going on at YeahWrite!! There some pretty awesome things!!

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Goodbye for now

No not you, my lovely followers. I will explain what is going on in a minute. First, I want to tell you guys that this post will be an emotional one. You might cry. I will probably be crying along with you. I apologize ahead of time for making you cry. But can I make one thing clear? What I’m about to share, I’ve accepted whole heartedly. Please do not say your sorry. Because to be honest I don’t know how react or what to say, other than thank you. And I don’t feel like that’s adequate enough for the situation. But I am ok with cyber hugs!

About a month ago, my mother had her first stroke. The carotid artery on the left side was 80% blocked. The doctors could leave the blockage alone and she would definitely have another stroke. If they went in and cleared the blockage, there was a chance she would have another stroke. So, they went ahead with the surgery. A side effect of the surgery was headaches because her brain wasn’t used to getting that much blood. No big deal, she dealt with headaches before.

Friday, April 18, she had a headache so bad it made her throw up. So, she went to lay down and take a nap. After that, she was never really responsive. She was taken to the hospital at 5:30 that afternoon. At that point I was on my way to church for an Easter service. We were on the bike, so I didn’t feel my phone vibrate. When we got to the church, I had missed calls and voicemails from my mom’s husband (techinically fiancé because they weren’t married yet). He said that my mom was back in the hospital. I couldn’t do anything from three hours away and didn’t have the gas to rush down there. So we went to the service. My grandpa called me as I was walking out the doors at 9. In a shaky voice, he told me that I needed to get to Little Rock as soon as possible. I knew why, but for some odd reason, I needed to hear it. My mother wasn’t doing good. She wasn’t responsive at all. She was in the emergency room but they would be moving her to ICU soon. At the word ICU, I almost collapsed in the parking lot.

Ladies and gents, that was the fastest ride on that bike I have ever been on. It was a little scary. Mostly because I kept fogging up the visor of my helmet trying not to cry. I had called my dad before we got on the bike and my dad told me exactly what I needed to hear to get me through the next five days. He told me “you need to cowboy up“. Which is his way of saying “get ready, things are about to get really f***ing rough”. (He knows first hand having lost a parent himself, but that’s another story.) So we got home, packed in about 10 minutes, and hightailed it to the state capitol.

We got to the hospital at about midnight. When we walked in my grandfather sat me down in the front entrance to explain to me what had happened with my mother. She had had another stroke earlier in the day. When she got to the hospital, a surgeon said that they could remove part of her skull to relieve the pressure on her brain and remove part of the bleed in her brain. This would give her a 50/50 chance. While trying to decide if they were going to do the surgery, she had another stroke. At this point, if she survived, she would never be able to talk again. The mother that I had talked to the day before was no longer there. She would have to do months of rehab and live in a nursing home the rest of her life, which would have pissed her off to no end. When I went back to see her, she was on a ventilator to keep her from choking on anything. She was also on numerous fluids and antibiotics.

At about 2:30 that morning, we left the hospital to get a few hours of sleep. My few, I mean 3. Maybe. That morning we ran a test to see if there was any brain function what so ever. We wanted to be extremely sure there was nothing there before we made any decisions. We didn’t want to second guess ourselves. At 12:20 Saturday, April 19, 2014, two days after my 22nd birthday and one day after my oldest son’s 4th birthday, my mother was pronounced brain dead. After that, it was up to the doctor on how to proceed. There was nothing more we could to. We would have 24 to 36 hours to day our goodbyes before a place called Aurora took over. Aurora would be the people in charge of donating her organs and tissues.

At 22 years old, 6 days after my birthday, I buried my mother. To everyone, I was strong and on top of everything. To my husband, I was coping until I was alone with him and could break down. I’m not a public crier. I had my break downs in the privacy of my car with my husband. I handled the funeral arrangements, shopping for an outfit for the funeral, doing my mother’s hair and make up so that she looked like my mother, and the funeral with surprising strength. My husband and family are extremely proud of me. I am extremely proud of myself.

I will always miss my mommy. I will always morn her loss. Our relationship might not have been the best, but she is still my mommy and I love her. Today, it’s rough. Little things keep setting me off. Saturday it was the word sinew. Today, it was a Rhode Island license plate. I’m hoping that eventually it will get easier. I’m sure it will always hurt, I’m sure I will always miss her. I know I will always lover her.

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A Little Bit Nostalogic Today

I can’t help it. My baby will be one in 29 days!!! He is getting so big!! When he was first born his daddy could hold him with one hand!! He could barely fit in newborn clothes. And his car seat!! He was practically swimming in it!! Now, he’s almost conquered crawling and just tried to pull himself up on my table!! (He kid of slid on his butt farther underneath the table and then fell over, rather than getting up.)

My little man!!

My little man!!

Kase, pronounced like case, Daniel Ferguson was born July 14, 2012. He was born at 35 weeks and had to have a feeding tube inserted into his nose because he wasn’t eating. After spending a week in the hospital with pre-term labor, having my food taken away, and being in and out of the hospital for a month, I had to spend another week in the hospital with my baby. Thankfully they gave me a steroid shot while I was in pre-term labor to increase his lung production, so he was breathing perfectly fine. He was actually quiet compared to his brother. Key word there, was.

This was the day he came home from the hopital. He was so tiny!!

This was the day he came home from the hospital. He was so tiny!!

Now, he is spoiled rotten. He slept in bed with mommy and daddy for six months. Then, mommy got tired of sleeping in uncomfortable positions. So mommy put him in his own bed. He still falls asleep on my dear hubby’s chest every night, and he’s held a lot more than he should be. But his giggle is the most contagious thing ever. And, when he’s in his walker and he drops something, watching him walk in circles trying to figure out how to get it is rather humorous.He’s a cuddly little ball of fun, most of the time. Not to mention that he has curly hair just like his daddy. So, when he wakes up the back of his hair, which is the longest part, is a mass of curls poking out everywhere.

I look at my oldest and remember his first birthday like it was yesterday. I know Kase’s will be the same way. I’m so excited to watch him attempt to eat cake and figure out what the hell his mommy put in front of him. He has his two bottom teeth but his top two have just barely poked out from his gums, so he hasn’t really been introduced to very many solid foods. So hopefully he will be able to eat it. We are still deciding on the theme. Actually, I haven’t even began to debate what I want to do. His party is 28 days aways, so I guess I better hurry up and decide!! The party is going to be at my house so I’m not sure how crazy I want to go with decorations and what not. I will be sure to try to remember to take pictures and post them!!

Supporting his daddy's favorite football team.

Supporting his daddy’s favorite football team. (His bib says “everything tastes better when we order take out.)

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